Feb. 10th, 2010

10.02.10

Feb. 10th, 2010 09:21 am
whitenoise: (condoms)
We almost lost the kitten last night -.-

We were cooking dinner and it included sausages and gammon, and the gammon were in the grill so we had the sausages on the stove and it was getting a little smokey, but we had the windows in the kitchen open. But, the super sensitive UK smoke alarm in the upstairs hallway somehow detected it even though there's the front room and all that jazz in the way, and it went off. So, Steve ran off to cut the power off to it (since it's not one of those lovely ones were you pull the batteries out) while I made sure the food survived, but to turn off the power to the alarm he had to go outside, but to do this we shut the door between the front room and the hallway leading outside so the cat doesn't get out.

So, he shuts it off and all is well, and we have delicious beef and ale sausages, and of course Steve finishes his food before me (might be a result of him generally not eating all day), and then he asks me where Gahzbag went.

Cue us looking high and low for him--we checked every place we could feasibly think of in the house, so we figured he might have gotten out somehow when Steve went to shut off the power to the smoke alarm. Cue us walking around town center looking for the damn cat, rattling his ball so maybe he'd come to us, checking bushes and backyards and shit.

After about an hour of looking, Steve phoned up his ex-wife to ask if Iain could stay with her for the night while we continued to look for the cat--as he was on the phone, he was standing in the kitchen doorway leading to our back garden, which is then when he found the cat--in the kitchen >.<

Gahzbag had hidden under Steve's workbench in the kitchen, which is fine and dandy, but we looked there right off--but he had hidden himself in a far corner near our refridgerator in a blind spot we couldn't easily see. It was more an off chance that Steve just happened to be looking in that area while on the phone, since Lord knows when the cat might have come out--remember, the entire time we had the front and back door open while we were searching for him and calling his name. So, he sat there and watched us run back and forth looking for him, and he had every opportunity to escape but he didn't.

So, thank god he was too scared to move, in some respect, or else he could of easily run away. But it scared the shit out of me since I figured he was long gone by that point--sure he has tags, but he's not even a year old without a chip or anything yet since we're not planning on letting him out for a while. We were *extremely* lucky this time around, and he's back to his normal self (i.e. sleeping for 16 hours a day, then raising hell all night) but I don't mind, as aggravating as it can be.

I'm also in charge of going shopping at Aldi on Thursday since they'll have their Pancake Day stuff on sale, so I've been told to buy a few bottles of the pancake mix so we can celebrate--and I might have to pick up a couple more packs of those beef and ale sausages since they're gorgeous, and they would also make an excellent toad in the hole.

I also had a LOL moment the other night--Iain has a facebook account, since Steve made him wait till he was 13 to get one, and me and Steve are friends of his, which he's cool with. But his stepdad *made* him add him to his friends list so he could see what he was doing online--I'm cool with adults making sure their children are safe online, but is his stepdad aware that Steve's already friends with Iain? Is he aware that Steve is perfectly capable of figuring out if anything's going on with Iain and facebook? Or does he not trust Steve to do it, and therefore has to be Teh Awesum Stepdad of the Year? I don't think he quite realizes that Iain has a biological father who he lives with and has a much better relationship with than his mom--that would be like me trying to play the only Mom to Aidan and Ella--I won't, since they have their biological mother who they live with and who can do things. I could see their stepdad stepping up to the plate if Steve wasn't around and wasn't being a dad to them, but he's an awesome dad considering the divorce and everything, so it's not necessary to lay it on so thick.

With that said, Iain logs onto facebook once every month or so, which makes the 'zomg, need to watch my stepson on facebook' thing even more lame.

~Tams
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whitenoise: (blackadder)
Well, it's not really midnight here, more like 10.30pm but close enough. I can't sleep so I came back downstairs so Steve could get some sleep without me tossing and turning.

My brain is just stuck on how miserable I can be at times, and I really have no reason to be miserable. I have a great husband, some awesome stepkids, my mom is great, and I've been given the opportunity to actually *be* with my husband. We have a roof over our heads, and food to eat, and a pretty decent standard of living thanks to Steve who brings home the bacon.

But I have my miserable moments still--I feel completely inadequate as a person, and as a wife. I feel like I'm a horrible daughter since I put my mom through the sadness of having a daughter move 5,000 miles away; I can barely cook, and sometimes I get so sad and anxious I can barely relax even around Steve. And it's all tied to my poor self-esteem and image, I imagine--I don't think very highly of myself in any regard whatsoever. I'm just some frump that sits at home all day and plays WoW--I desperately want to grow up, but I can't seem to do it.

The things I want to do are extremely superficial--I want to go have my hair cut to something different than now, but I don't know what I want and I'm not comfortable just going into a salon and asking them to do something random to it. I need to sort out my clothing since I dress like I did in high school, but that's a bit difficult to do here since I'm a complete fat ass, so it's going to wait until I go back to the States in April. All these things are surface changes, but if I've learned anything the past few months, it's that what we change on the surface *can* help us change our perceptions of ourselves--if we like what we see in the mirror on a physical level, then it can have a domino effect on our attitudes. I'm hoping that something like that works with me, but I'm not sure on those changes I need to make yet, since I'm also horribly afraid of change at the same time, which makes for quite a bitch indeed.

None of this really makes sense at all, and I'm not quite keeping track of my train of thought at the moment. I'm not quite tired yet, but I'm starting to get there. I just wish that when Steve asks me what's wrong, I didn't clam up since I know it frustrates him--he wants to help, but I don't make it easy. And I know I shouldn't just identify myself based on what I do for other people, since I don't really do jack shit for them anyway--it should be who I am as a person, but again, I don't act very rationally most of the time. I just want to grow up, but I just seem to be having the hardest time doing it--but I guess being afraid to go outside, or to talk to other people besides your husband doesn't help matters : /

That is all. My eyes hurt, so that means I'm done or something. Nighty night.

~Tams

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