May. 24th, 2010 08:46 am
whitenoise: (mstk2)
So yeah, Sheffield's off, which pisses me off. Steve phoned Roger to get more details and I guess he got his new guide dog way early. As such, Roger has to stay home as much as possible for the next two weeks with the new dog so they can bond and shit, so we won't be able to go up like we had planned.

Steve decided we should all go to Yarmouth, which is nice and I'm looking forward to it, but yeah. 3-4 hours in the car with three kids is going to be killer, since Aidan can't sit still for five minutes and Ella gets car sick (but we'll be doping her up for this trip to see what happens). We'll have to leave Daventry by 5am at the latest since it's a 3-4 hour drive, plus bank holiday weekend (gogo caravans). Iain knows about it already, but he's keeping mum just in case something weird happens and we can't go so the other two don't get disappointed.

I think Steve's doing it since he feels guilty for working so much this month between his desk job and training, and he wants to make it up to the kids. And I realized I put way too much on my shoulders when they're here, trying to be the 'more popular' stepparent and all that bullshit instead of just being myself. But then again, I don't like myself very much, so maybe the fake thing is the lesser of two evils, but it stresses me out loads :( And there's always going to be a divide between me and the kids, one that Steve or Linzi will never truly understand (but that Steve's aware of). They're not my children, I didn't raise them, so I feel like I need to hold myself back to avoid stepping on toes--I don't trust my instincts enough and am always deferring back to Steve for things since it's not really my place to be a Hugo Chavez.

But, they're also awesome kids once you pull away all the puberty and hormones and Aidan's issues--he's the sweetest kid you could find when he's not having his problems. And Ella always gives me a big hug when she sees me, and I think she likes having another girl in her dad's house to even things out a bit. Iain is Iain--at 14, he's a typical teenager that has his own obsessions and to hell with everything else, but he's going through an extremely awkward phase and I can completely sympathize with him.

I still want my own baby though, and Steve kinda talks about it now as if it's not a case of 'if', but when. When we were at Wicksteed this weekend I was kinda sad since I saw all these parents with their babies and stuff and urgh. It just made me feel really alone at times since Steve and Iain were going about like normal--it doesn't help that I'm not really the amusement park type to begin with. But yeah, emoemoemo.

This heat can go away as well--I can do dry Oregon heat, but not muggy UK heat, especially when the sun is a bastard and inflicts fire damage on me. First sunburn evar, too. In 24 years I had never once gotten a sunburn thanks to lovely Portugese genes, but the day I turn 25 it hits me like a bastard on part of my arm and neck. Funny enough, Steve didn't put any on and he's fine, it was just me this time around.

Buuuut, there's 3 cans of cider and 3 cans of Guinness in the fridge. It's a shame that drinking before noon isn't kosher--Steve taught me an awesome drink, half Guinness and half cider. It cuts the Guinness a bit, but I can handle it straight as well. Maybe tonight when he gets off of work then, since I was good and only had 2 pints on Saturday.



May. 21st, 2010 08:51 am
whitenoise: (mst3k3)
Bloody busy lines at the surgery--I'll call Monday since my phone is dying and lord knows how long I'd be redialing for. Either all the lines are full, or it's a single-line phone system which would be complete lols.

I think we're going to have Iain this Saturday night and Sunday as well, since his mom doesn't care whether or not he comes around this weekend like he normally does. I don't know if maybe she has something small planned for after school today (since technically today is his birthday), but really. You'd think his own mother would push to do more for his birthday, but she was being a passive aggressive bitch to Steve yesterday, playing the 'whatever' game. Maybe she needs to realize that she's never fully bonded with her son in 14 years, and that her husband is a huge cock.

But that means we can't go out for dinner like we were going to on Saturday for my birthday, and it kinda pisses me off. When we had Aidan's birthday he had to go back around his mom's for Sunday since they were doing stuff (cake, pressies, etc.) but Iain doesn't have to. That's more what pisses me off--I understand he's a bit older than the other two and should be given some more choices than they do, but that doesn't mean he gets to do whatever whenever he wants to, and the other two are going to resent the freedom he's being given after a while.

Really, I'm just counting down till the 29th for Sheffield, since I figure that can be our anniversary thingy (even though we're going up for someone's birthday). Since Iain has a load of money he wants to blow, we'll be going up to Northampton Sunday. I think we should be able to hit an Evans while we're up there, so I'll try to snag some jeans since I miss them bad (all I have now are cargos), and who knows what else. I'm thinking Steve's trying to make me go clothes shopping as a birthday present to me, which is fine I guess except Iain will bitch, but I can send them to the game store while I'm shopping since I prefer not to have an audience when I'm clothes shopping (chalk it up to another weird quirk of mine, I have loads). When I was in the States I found some blouses that I really got into, that are a bit longer than normal which is good for me since I'm the fucking jolly green giant and hate for my shirts to ride up on me. I might be able to find some here as well, and they really do end up being the same price as in the States (I had forgotten how bad Lane Bryant can be until I found 90 dollar jeans while visiting O.o).

If I got really desperate though, my mom says I can order stuff online and have it shipped to her, and she'll forward it on to me since she can do the 20 pounds for 50 dollars thing. Speaking of which, I opened the pressies she sent me, and I cried again because I'm a baby--she sent me a small glass frame with pink sequins around the edge, and it has a picture of me and here in it from when I was a baby way back in 1985. Good god that was a long time ago--and quite fitting considering my current preoccupations with my own future child. It sits here on my desk, and it's kinda comforting to be able to look at it every so often.

Hehe, Steve's mom also gave me and Steve a 1st anniversary card with 20 quid in it--she wrote inside that the 1st anniversary is paper, so that's what we're getting. Not entirely sure what to do with it--might combine it with the 20 quid she gave me for my birthday (wtf) and go out to dinner when we get a chance.

Ooo, reminder to myself: try to hop into a bookstore while in Northampton this weekend. Want to snag the Life in the UK test booklet and a copy of Shogun--I'm reading Gone With The Wind right now (well, re-reading, I first read it for a project in high school), and I'm up for more epic historical fiction.

whitenoise: (Default)
That DHL Daventry will be signing a contract to work with FitFlops--http://www.fitflop.com. It looks like sandals and clogs with arch supports built into the shoes, but beyond that I really don't know much else. Steve told me they should be getting the contract to warehouse and transport their goods in the UK, and then made me lol when he said if he got any discounts he'd get me a pink and white pair.

I lol'ed at first, but then--maybe not a bad idea? I have horrible (read: nonexistant) arches so any little bit of support helps. But, I've never even heard of these before, and it might be a while until the nitty gritty of the contract is sorted, but yeah.

And I just got a phone call from Steve's mum--she's coming around to drop off Iain's card for his birthday : / But my mom is supposed to be calling in about an hour as well, and by the time she gets down to Daventry I might be in the middle of a LD phone call. I guess my mom could call back, but I'd much rather talk to my mom than sit and talk with Steve's (but then again, she did say she wanted to avoid commute time, so she might just drop off his card and skidaddle out to avoid traffic. I hope).

Fucking in-laws, urgh.

whitenoise: (Default)
I think I made somebody's day down there, since they looked absolutely clueless when I went to the counter and asked for my package, so I feel kinda bad :( Not that it's particularly difficult to process--find the package (which was on top the pile of everything else), verify my identity (which I did) and make me fill out a little slip. But one of the other gals was able to get it sorted, so I got some lewts from the States today.

Two boxes of cheezits for Steve (those are his particular favorite), some pepperoni beef sticks (those thin ones you can get in gas stations and shit), some goldfish crackers, and a couple pressies that are wrapped up. I'm not going to open them till Saturday, but my mom will be happy to know it got here in one piece.

She also sent not only a birthday card, but an anniversary card for me and Steve since it's on the 27th. I cried like a big fucking baby I did, but I had to suck it up since I had to go back out and do more shopping (I had to walk down once to get the package, bring it back home, then walk back up since I couldn't carry the shopping and the box).

I got my Mexican stuff--tortillas and refried beans and hot sauce mainly, but I also got a nacho kit since I'm ready to eat my fucking arm off since I skipped breakfast. I know Iain probably wants me to do more Mexican food, and if that's the case I'll force myself to go to Tesco and get more stuff--I'm not keen on blowing loads of Steve's money on stupid shit really (even though he doesn't give two shits).

On that note, he asked me if I wanted to work, or be a housewife/stay at home mum (when the time comes). He doesn't care either way as long as I'm happy--he just wanted me to tell him so he'd quit mentioning going to an agency for work. His reasoning was more for it to get me out of the house and help with my issues than money (since really, anything I make would be fucking copper compared to his 10k gold or whatever he makes). I'm not sure, since working at the moment scares the fucking bejesus out of me--I hate going out just to go to the shop, let alone spending loads of time around strangers :( But we'll see, for now it's not really an issue.

*runs off to make 'nachos', lololol*



May. 20th, 2010 08:31 am
whitenoise: (headdesk)

I obviously don't know how to work my way through the appointment making system at our surgery. I got through, but they basically just told me all I can do is phone back tomorrow to get in with that particular doctor, and do it early since there's loads of people who want to see her. I was trying to schedule something in advance but they just kept telling me to phone tomorrow, so yeah--I guess I'll phone tomorrow morning :( Figures my doctor only works half a week, too.

I also missed Parcel Force yesterday, so I need to go up and grab my stuff from them, and do a load of shopping. But, I really can't be arsed--but I got to. Now I'm slightly annoyed.

We're not going to Alton Towers this Saturday since it'd be too expensive and not enough bang for our buck since me and Steve won't be going on any of the rides. We've (well, Steve and Iain) decided on Wicksteed Park instead, which is only an hour from here. But I was also promised beer Saturday night as well, and Iain started to whinge--he's way too young for alcohol and just needs to stop his bitching. So, I'll grin and bear it through Wicksteed because that's the proper step-parent thing to do.

Annnnd, we didn't do our Naxx yesterday--raid leader couldn't get into WoW for some reason. So, technical difficulties cockblocked us. Poopies.

whitenoise: (4thofjuly)
Just some info I'm putting down here more for my own information than anything else. I've been researching what we'll need to do to register our baby's birth when it comes time, so I'm keeping this handy list available.

[Registration of Overseas Birth]
* long form British birth certificate
* US marriage certificate
* my US passport
* divorce decrees for Steve (nisi and absolute)
* DS-2029 form (use pg 2 for social security number)
* $65.00 fee, cash or pounds sterling
* appointment confirmation sheet
* other evidence of physical presence in US (i.e. school transcripts)

[Obtaining a US Passport]
* child's UK passport (if applicable)
* DS-11 form (ignore pgs 1-2 if in UK)
* 2 identical passport sized photos (must meet US requirements, no vending machines/home print-outs)
* $85.00 fee, cash or pounds sterling
* self-address Royal Mail envelope (speical delivery)
* parents' US and UK passport
* birth certificate

Damn. It'd have to be a day trip on the train for me and Steve to do all of this, and we'd have to get the photos done in London since I don't know of any places in Northampton who will do US sizes (but I'll keep an eye out). I only looked the specific requirements up since Steve was asking about them last night.



May. 19th, 2010 08:29 am
whitenoise: (phoenix)
So, I *kinda* had The Talk with The Husband last night. It went a lot better than I thought, especially since he was concerned since I seemed really preoccupied and spacey lately--I can tell he wanted to just laugh at how awkward/nervous I was being but he didn't. Basically, his take on it is if it happens, it happens, and he's fine with it being something I want to pursue--we won't have me go on birth control, and we won't use anything else and just see what happens. I told him that I kept *thinking* it was a bad idea but I really couldn't quantify why, and he thinks it's just a case of me being so used to talking myself out of things--because I don't trust my gut, or my own decision-making abilities. And I think that's quite true, it's like I need an army backing up every minute decision I make.

I told him it would annoy Iain, and like he said--Iain will be 16 in a couple years, and if he wants to leave for uni or get his own place he'll technically be able to. The housing association can place us somewhere else if he tells them we have a baby on the way--the only downside being I kinda like where we are now since it's right in town center and I doubt we could find a three bedroom this close : / I told him it'd just annoy the kids, and I was scared since everyone's lives seem so settled right now. Steve then pointed out that it isn't acceptable that everyone's life be happy and comfortable while I'm sad because I'm missing out on something--but maybe that's something I just accept without even thinking about it. But it makes sense, and it is quite silly to expect myself to just put these feelings away just so Iain isn't inconvenienced in any slight way (it's not like we'd make him babysit or change nappies or stick the baby in his room). But then that little voice in the back of my head tells me I'm being selfish and stepping into a world I know *nothing* about.

I know my head isn't in the best place sometimes, with my anxieties and depression. But if I keep waiting until The Perfect time, I'll be here till I'm 50 waiting for everything to be super perfect, and I can't do that. I don't want Steve to be nearing retirement when I decide we need to have a baby or whatever (not that it would work, but you know what I mean). And I might end up even surprising myself--yeah, babies are *a fuckton* of work, but they also fucking rock as well, and I think it's just the next stage in our relationship now that we're married and settled.

I'm also tired of waiting until my next visa is sorted--that seems my excuse for everything. Steve said not to worry about it, and we may not concieve until after October 2011 anyway so it might be a moot point (since by then we should all know what our timelines look like). I'm not saying I need to be pregnant next month or whatever, but it is something I'm thinking I want to prepare for at least--sort out stuff with the doctor (will someone please make my appointment so I don't end up being a chicken shit?), etc.

So, Steve knows I want to do it, and he's on board--but he says I can't micromanage it either, and urgh. I go nutter if I can't plan something out to the T, and while I know some people really try to plan their babies I'm not sure we can as much. All I can do is keep track of my cycles and become more aware of them and go from there--and if anybody can make babies, it's certainly Steve (Aidan and Ella are only a year apart for Cthulhu's sake).

Weirdly enough, he's more worried about his exams on the 4th--he's scared since this stuff is almost degree-quality coursework and he doesn't feel up to the task. He scraped by in school--not because he didn't know the stuff, but he says he's rubbish at taking tests. I think he feels really inadequate when it comes to these sorts of things, especially since most of the stuff he learned at DHL was on the job sorts of things--proving to the managers he could do the stuff they needed of him, without a fucking piece of paper *saying* he could. And really, he does come from a generation where you could graduate high school and work your way into pretty decent jobs, and to a certain extent you can today as well, but many jobs seem to be so focused on qualifications you can show on paper. He said if he didn't pass this test he'd drop out of Transport and go back to Operations, and he seemed really sad when he said it--I know he can do it, but that may not be enough : /

So, to summarize--to my husband, having a fourth child (for him) is *less* scary than taking a test.

And in slightly less serious news, we have a daylight Naxx raid this morning--there's a group of us in Ebon Phoenix who play during the day who are trying to get small groups together to do raids/dungeons/acheesements during the day. One chick is pretty awesome--Healiana. She talks to me a lot since she's home during the day with her three kids, and they all live in Sweden, and she seems pretty nice. She tries to include me in the daytime stuff ('hey, Alyza, we need some dps'), and she asked me if we wanted to create a group that goes after hard-to-get mounts from dungeons and shit. We also have a 'group' (not official) that is looking to finish our Glory of the Hero achievements, which isn't easy (you know how bad my computer lags doing Zombiefest? ubg;jgfgjfg).

What's really cute is Healiana and another member of our guild met up, and I think they fancy each other. He's from Denmark and went to visit her, and they got on quite well, and it's all awww and stuff. Another couple in our guild is engaged, and the guild leader and forum monkey are boyfriend/girlfriend as well (from Brighton--the engaged couple is from Sheffield). And who knows, me and Steve might make the first couple in the guild to have a baby?

Now it's time to go study the Heigan safety dance again (lololol) before 12pm. This post didn't really make any sense, and I'm sure it doesn't read very well, but meh.

whitenoise: (headdesk)
Facebook keeps telling me to be friends with Steve's half-sisters--the ones his dad went and had with his mistress before he divorced Steve's mom. Who was diagnosed with cancer when he left. Stay classy, you in-law I've never met who doesn't even know where we live because your son despises you with every fiber of his being. These half-sisters are the same age as Iain, and I don't think Iain (or any of the other kids) have met them. Steve's dad came around the first year I was visiting to pick up a PC he had Steve work on, but I never met the man since Steve kept them (his dad and the ex-mistress) in the kitchen.

But, like I said, his dad is a class act. He only contacts (or tries to contact) Steve if he needs something--his PC fixed, to borrow a laptop, or for Steve to co-sign on a new trailer like he did in 2008. Heh, don't act surprised when your son doesn't want to sign his name and home (the one he had in 2008) to your uber leet trailer of awesomeness.

So no, Facebook, I don't want to be friends with them. It's boatloads of creepy.

whitenoise: (Default)
My druid got 'the Explorer' title yesterday. So, she's Sacagawea the Explorer--I decided when she was a wee little level 1 moo druid that she would get that title. I had to explain to Steve why I did it, even though my reasoning is kinda lame. But, it was an easy enough title to get, even without having epic flying form (600 gold short, wewt for new, prettier flying form since tauren regular flying form is fugly).

I am now working on my timbermaw rep for my mage in case they get blown up in Cataclysm. I'm thinking Alyzabeth the Diplomat might be a nice change of pace since I already have the Mag'har to Exalted. But, I keep running into other 80s doing the grind as well, so I need to find a weird time to do it without a lot of people around : /

And we have three copies of Cataclysm pre-ordered through play.com. We did put our names down for pre-orders at Gamestation, but they didn't take any money nor did they even have it all down in the computer yet (they were having everyone put their info on paper first), so screw them. At least the RM will deliver it on the day it ships out (which they did when WOTLK came out).



May. 17th, 2010 09:54 am
whitenoise: (condoms)
Steve doesn't know this yet, but I've started keeping track of my cycles--like on paper. I realized I really have no clue about it except it shows up every 3 weeks or so, but beyond that I'm clueless. I don't know what I'll do with the information just yet, but if we do decide we want to try for a baby it's good to know just how my body works.

I don't know if I'll bring the baby thing up again with him--I did a few months ago, but it feels really unresolved to me for some reason. But it's a bad time to do it with his CPC course/testing hanging over his head, so maybe I'll wait until he's taken the test.

We went to our nephew's birthday party yesterday; we didn't know about the party until a couple hours beforehand, but we wanted to see Michele's new house (Michele being Steve's sister) so we figured, what the hell. It was decently good fun methinks for being short-notice (on our part), and there was some booze around so that's always a plus I suppose. But it also made that baby feeling I have ten times worse being around a 2 year old, and Riley is pretty damn awesome methinks. He's definitely not shy, since he went right up to Steve and sat with him and didn't whine once, and he managed to say my name a couple of times (but couldn't say Steve's, lolol).

But like I've said before, I'm afraid my motivations are wrong; I always second-guess decisions I make unless I have someone completely backing me up on it. And I'd like to think Steve would back me up on this, since he's said something similar to it in the past, but it's not like we really can start trying to concieve right now anyway. I guess I need to suck it up and talk to him about it (again), and then if we decide for real to go for it, I'll talk to our doctor and see what I need to start doing. From what I understand, she'd recommend I start taking certain supplements while trying to concieve, and stay away from alcohol (which is fine), smoking (which I don't do, and Steve can do when I'm not around) and drugs (no fucking problem there). But it all starts with A Talk with The Husband, so we'll see : /

Maybe it's all just my anxieties at not having my future planned out in minute detail--I spent so much time wishing I could live with Steve that now that I've done it, I'm not sure where to go next. In a few years, once my visas are sorted, I'd like to go back to school--but I won't do it if I have a baby, since I'd want to stay home at least until he or she is in school full-time, then I'd think about trying to get into a nursing program. But I don't know *anything* yet, and that's getting on my tits.

When I was visiting my mom in the States, she asked me if any children me and Steve had would be dual-citizen. She then followed it up with 'I'm not pressuring you guys into anything', which I know she isn't, but I'm getting antsy about moving things forward. Funny this, since normally I *loathe* change, but this feeling I have is one of the strongest ones I've had in my entire life--it's not a 'I want a baby because they're cute and I can buy cute stuff and shit, it'll be bitching'. It's a 'I can't explain this, but I *need* to have a child of my own in my life, and I want to have that with the person I married' type of thing. And even then, I can't explain it all that well, but that's pretty much par for the course I suppose.

Why can't I just be content with a cat? Life would be so much simpler that way :(



May. 14th, 2010 08:57 am
whitenoise: (books)
ohmygod, what Steve is learning is absolutely mind-numbing. I'm sure part of my confusion is not having any fucking clue what he does at work to begin with (at least when you get down to the nitty-gritty details), but whoa. But I think it helps him to explain the stuff to me--he told me it helped him understand the concepts better to explain them to a clueless person (me). So, I guess I'm flattered? It has loads of numbers, and stupid concepts, and urgh.

Last night he was showing me how to work out what price to charge for the services they provide at DHL DIDC--he had to calculate things like wear to the tires, driver pay (even though DHL doesn't directly pay their drivers), petrol, insurance, etc and then find where to make extra money. I think their standard is a 25% profit for each trip they sell, but the math made my head explode since I'm mathmatically retarded to begin with, but he seemed to sort through it without any problems. But I guess he does his job pretty well to begin with according to his manager, but a CPC qualification would add frosting to the proverbial DHL cake I suppose. It's not really stuff that would interest me personally, so thankfully Steve will never, ever, EVER, help me find a job at DHL--we'd kill each other I think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Certificate_of_Professional_Competence. But considering he skipped half his classes growing up, fucked around until he was 16, didn't go to university, and started as a warehouse clerk, I'm pretty proud of where he's gotten to just by being stubborn and pretty damn good at logisitics.

As for me? I still have my MA certification, but that amounts to a pile of shit over here :( I'll have to retake my certification in the States in 2012, but I don't know if I'll even waste the money to do it--it's a hard test, and I'd have to fly out to do it so meh. I just don't like my future being so damn uncertain--it's not mapped out for me, and that makes me uncomfortable. There's loads of things I think I'd like to do, but I'm famous for sabotaging myself like I have done in the past, so I just don't bother anymore.

I might ask my mom to try and mail my medical books to me, and I can paypal her the shipping money. She can mail up to 20 pounds of stuff for 50 bucks just through the USPS without fucking with stupid, complicated shit, and it's not like I had *that* many--I was going to bring them with me but didn't have the room I thought I would :( I still miss them, and she might be able to get them here in two boxes (I'm not sure how big the boxes are except they can't go past 20 pounds) and it's pretty reasonable price. That's if the volcano doesn't fuck things up, especially since my mom just sent me a care package this week.

But instead of bitching and moaning, time to sort out the house a bit since Steve will be home early from class today.



May. 12th, 2010 09:53 am
whitenoise: (blackadder)
This whole 'Steve going to school' thing blows bollocks. His new hours are 8.30am to 5pm which is fine--since Iain doesn't want to walk from our house to school, he opted to stay at his mom's since it's closer to the school. Normally Steve drops Iain off at his mom's when he goes to work since it's only an hour difference but if he was going to do it with these new hours, Iain would have to get up at 5am, since Steve leaves the house by 6.30am. I'd be perfectly fine with getting him up at his normal time and out the house in time, but he doesn't want to walk, and his mom agreed to it, so whatever, fuck her too.

I guess Iain is grounded (Steve found this out yesterday when he dropped Iain's laptop off at the ex's house). He was trying to get Iain to tell him what happened but dear old stepdad kept butting in and adding shit to the conversation, and there's really not a lot Steve can do if Iain decides to stay around there (Steve doesn't try to override the rules in their house if they don't do it on ours). Iain really has the choice to come back here for the remainder of the week, but he doesn't want to, so that's his choice.

But yeah, the school thing sucks. He comes home absolutely knackered at the end of the day since it's like 9 hours of study and lecturing, he does homework and reading, and then we go to sleep. I don't talk to him a lot since I try to give him a lot of time to study since he has problems with it, but he's getting a little worn down. He's used to having his free time when he's off the clock, but now he really doesn't have any. But, it's a free course, it'll look good on his CV if he ever leaves DHL, and he said he won't take on the extra responsibilities this license entails unless they agree to a pay raise to £35k a year (if only because it's a buttload more responsibility than he has now, and he can get in legal trouble if he fucks up on certain things). Some of the info he knows already since it's about drivers and their hours and record-keeping, so he's trying to focus on the crap he doesn't know more than anything.

It feels like I'm really just by myself, which I am most of the time anyway. But, it should be over this week, and he takes the test on June 4th, so hopefully all goes well since I know he's a bit nervous about it.

I still haven't called the doctor yet--I think I'm extremely hesitant to call them up and be like 'yo, I'm pretty mentally fucked up, halp'. It's pulling teeth to get me to go to the doctor unless something is really bad, and at this rate Steve's going to phone up and make the damn appointment for me...which I almost wish he'd do. I don't have enough bollocks to do it myself, but if he made it, it'd force me to go. Meh.

I'm having babeh urges again, I guess in part since it's that time of the month. I keep telling myself I'm wanting one for the wrong reasons since I always second-guess myself over *everything*. I'm worried I want one in order to validate why I exist and why I'm sticking around (i.e. I'd be a mom, I'd *have* to be here), or that I want to make myself more important to Steve (which rationally I know I don't have to do, but like I said, a part of my brain is highly irrational, and it's quite loud). But I also have to accept that it's a natural progression of things--stuff seems somewhat settled between me and Steve after 4 years together, our money is okay, and I'm going to be 25 in May. It's a lot of emotional stuff, and biology at work, and yeah. The practical thing holding me back is our living situation, but I guess Steve would just go to the housing association and get us put back on the list for a 3 bedroom. It'd take about 12 months to get placed, but most of that would be during my pregnancy, and we could survive for a couple months bunking with a baby. But like I said, I always second-guess myself, so who knows wtf will happen, but I keep thinking about babies off and on and it just sucks when you're not sure what you're doing about it : /

I got to 80 on my druid finally, which has felt like forever since I've been dicking around a lot on the way. So now starts the slow grind of reps, emblems, and monies so I can have epic flying form, and the wait for Cataclysm. We did 'unofficially' preorder ours at Gamestation, but we might have it sent from play.com since it's free shipping and they guarantee delivery on the day of release. We didn't put any money down at Gamestation, so it's an idea. And I still want a celestial steed, not entirely sure why--maybe I'm tired of having fail mounts. Steve has all the luck with them--white polar bear from Storm Peaks, two blue drakes from random heroic Oculus runs (one on his hunter, the other on dk). And I'm still doing polar bear dailies and stupid eggs from the Oracles *headdesk*

And now since I need the loo, it's a good time to stop. What a random fucking post.



May. 10th, 2010 05:33 pm
whitenoise: (Default)
I'm bored. Steve should be home now, but he's doing training in Milton Keynes, so he'll be late tonight. It just sucks since it'll end up that I won't see him much this week :( He's out the door by 7am and won't really get in till 6pm at the earliest, so we only have a couple hours in the evenings.

But, Sheffield soon. I presume PMS doesn't help either, but going to bed sounds really good right now (at 5.30pm, ruh roh).

I'm not even sure why I posted this, to be honest : /



May. 7th, 2010 02:25 pm
whitenoise: (headdesk)
You know it's a fail day when the electric goes out, so you go to put the emergency electric on the meter. Except your husband took the key to get *into* the meter with him, since it's on his keyring instead of by the fuse box. Cue a phone call to work to find out where said key was at since you don't know and your husband didn't tell you, and then cue you standing out in the rain with a pair of plyers prying open the box.

He would of come home but he told me to try the plyer trick first to see if it'd work. I got it opened thankfully, but wasn't really a good start to the day : / I'm ripping the bollocking thing off his keyring when he comes home.



May. 6th, 2010 09:21 am
whitenoise: (condoms)

*blows dust off LJ*

I've been very lazy as of late, hence like a month's absence. I got a bit busy with going over to the States to visit my mom, freaking out about a goddamn volcano, and then being in a funk once I was back in the UK.

I've learned I really can't win in life in some ways. I'm extremely lucky in so many ways, but I'll always suffer from the 'grass is greener' syndrome. When I was in the States, I'd miss small things about England. But when I'm here I miss loads of things about the States, and god, my mom. I miss her loads, and it hurts more this time than when I left in September.

Honestly, if it wasn't for Steve, I'd have no real reason to leave the US. I've never really felt like I've needed to live over here--it's a great country to visit, but if it wasn't for my marriage I'd more likely than not be perfectly content in the US. Visit the UK once every year, have some curry, drink some Guinness, and then go home and have my Taco Bell.

But, I also really love Steve, like loads of course. And I chose this since I want to be with him, but it doesn't stop the homesickness and the slight heartache I feel sometimes. I don't tell anyone about it, even though I think Steve knows it's there, since talking about it isn't really going to make anything better. This is our life for the next 7 or 8 years, and then who knows? Going to the US is a bitch, but I'll look into things at that point since Steve wouldn't be completely opposed to living Stateside.

Like I said, the UK is nice, but I'll never truly fit in. It's incredibly fake for me to pretend that I do, and I can't stand that. But I also don't like the vaguely uncomfortable feeling I bag myself with when I go out and open my mouth, or try to count the money, or get a blank look on my face when someone tells me some small-ass town they're from and I have no fucking clue where it is. I'll just try my best to keep my head down and stay legal.

But that's really boring too, I suppose. I really need help, and I keep telling myself I'll phone the doctor, but it isn't in my nature to phone them unless I think I have an infection or something serious. I don't like calling them 'just for a visit', though I got a letter through the post from the NHS inviting me for a fucking pap smear (fail). Maybe I'll do it tomorrow since my cell phone needs to charge, and I don't dare use the landline or else BT will own my soul because phones are fucking retarded in the UK.

Yes, I'm very negative lately. I've been in a 'fuck you' mood lately, hence my silence. I don't really care a lot about a lot of things and don't have patience for a lot of bullshit, but little things are also getting on my tits around the house. Heaven forbid you pick the towel up off the floor and back on the rack. Heaven forbid you pick your crap off the counter, or rinse out your plate, or pick up your shit--why do it, Tams is here all day with the cat, and she's worth half a shit so she can do it.

We're headed up Sheffield way on the 29th, which will be a mini vacation that just happens to coincide with our anniversary. Steve's mate is turning 30 and he invited us up, and since it's a bank holiday we can stay through till Monday so Steve has time enough to sober up. Roger will be coming with us, sans doggy since he's being retired on the 17th (more fail). We're also going to Alton Towers for Iain's birthday, which I'm not really thrilled about--I hate amusement parks, and it's not how I'd spend my birthday (which we will do, since his is on Friday and mine's on Saturday), but it's something special he wants to do. So, I'll pretend I'm on happy pills and suck it up for the kids or something retarded like that.



Apr. 1st, 2010 08:23 am
whitenoise: (condoms)
I honestly don't really know what to post today. I've really fallen off the LJ bandwagon the past couple of weeks, but for some reason I feel like I need to post. Maybe it's boredom, or because it's cold, or because I'm playing babysitter today. Dunno.

Less than two weeks before we fly out to the States--Steve has been sorting out stuff he wants to see while he's there. Me, not so much--I'm not really concerned about what I see as much as hanging out with my mom, and shopping, and eating, and just relaxing. But, I got to get through the flying bit first, which--urgh. I know rationally it'll be fine, but it stresses me out like you'd never believe, especially the weeks leading up to the flight. I can't sleep very well at night because of it, since I think about all the crap I need to pack beforehand, and all the customs/immigration and urgh. My first stop in the States isn't my only stop unfortunately--7 hours from Birmingham to Newark, then a 6 hour layover, then 5 hours from Newark to Portland.

But, it's a bank holiday weekend which is nice, since Steve will be home tomorrow and Monday. It's also the start of Easter break, so Iain is home now--he's sorting out his room at the moment since he was given a huge list of crap by his dad to sort out before he can get on the computer. Thankfully I'll spend most of the day with my back to him since the couch is *behind* me while I'm at the desk, but then again I don't particularly like sitting at the desk anyway : /

Curry and beer on Saturday night with Roger, who wants to see us before we go on holiday. He's still sorting out his own passport before he can book anything--it was delayed since the Home Office was upset that in his passport photo, he wasn't looking straight ahead. They obviously ignored all the crap he told them about him being *legally blind*, so who knows when he'll get it. But it'll be nice to relax since really, I've been kinda on edge for a week or so. Just need to get through Friday night and Saturday; with that said, Steve's mom is coming over on Saturday to see the kids and give them their Easter gifts so that will burn some time.

And now I run into a brick wall of not really knowing what to say. Meh. Need more coffee I guess.

whitenoise: (Default)

  • 07:58 update: priest and dk each tier9 3piece, but still pretty fail. yay for full maintenance? #

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Mar. 24th, 2010 09:00 am
whitenoise: (4thofjuly)
This is what happens when there's a patch/maintenance day--you get a LJ post.

There hasn't been much to report in my RL lately--just people going to work, school, and me sitting here at home with the cat. I've been running dungeons for stupid emblems on my dk and priest, and I would be doing so now if it still wasn't maintenance tiems.

I'm finding it hard to sleep at night, mainly since I'm starting to freak out about going to the States. Not that I don't want to give my mom a huge fucking hug, or eat some food that has a flavor, or go clothes shopping--I just hate the flying back and forth bit. I lay awake at night thinking about the whole thing even though we still have 2.5 weeks until we fly out. I know it'll be okay, but my brain likes to be silly (as proven by 99% of my LJ); I then have to come downstairs and play WoW until I'm sleepy before I go back upstairs to give it another go. I also need to start getting stuff together for the flight (i.e. pills, a little bag for my makeup for my carry-on, etc) and getting the luggage down from the loft.

I is sadface that England didn't keep France from getting the Grand Slam last weekend. With that said, the team played pretty damn well even though they lost, and who knows--it might have been Moody's influence as captain of the team since Bothwick usually does it, but he was out with a knee injury. And France can't say they won the game easily or by a huge margin, since you know they shit themselves when Wilkinson came on the field and put the ball past the posts which brought them within 2 points of France. But, it was good fun since Roger came over and we had delicious curry and beer--I had the distinct pleasure of trying Banana Bread Beer (Roger bought it but didn't like it, and there's still one bottle that needs drinking in the fridge, along with 6 cans of Tetley's O.o).

Steve's birthday is on Monday, and I wish I could do more for him, but my funds are a bit limited :( I did get him a Horde wallet, but it was shipped to my mom to avoid weird customs/VAT fees from Jinx, and I told her to hold onto it since I don't trust RM so we'll nab it when we're visiting. He doesn't know all this though, but I think he'll like it--and he desperately needs a new wallet. I just wish I had seen the troll t-shirt they now have since that would of been perfect for him : / I don't know what anyone else is getting him, or if we're doing anything on Monday, but I'll try to find something special (I still need to buy the card, herp de derp).

That's about it. I can't be arsed to type much since this keyboard sucks--just something else we have to buy I guess, urgh.



Mar. 17th, 2010 09:26 am
whitenoise: (headdesk)
Steve was an absolute doll and set the desk and PC up for me last night, so here I am. He also hooked up his delicious butt-fucking huge screen, but I need to patch and put all my addons on before really being able to play WoW. But, it's a step up from using a goddamn ipod-while they're great for music and e-reading and stuff, safari can kiss my ass.

But, I really haven't had an urge to play WoW the past couple of days. Steve bought me Final Fantasy XIII for Mother's Day and my god, it's a beautiful game. It looks amazing on his telly, especially if you play it at night when it's dark and all the colors really come out. It's a bit linear compared to other FF games, but I'm getting a good grasp on the battle system, and it provides a nice change of pace from the older games where you had to control each character's attack, which got tedious after a while. Now, you switch between different party make-ups (like a tank, medic, caster, or two medics, or a buffer, or whatever), and you only control the 'main' character while the others act independently. And as annoying as she is, I'm digging Vanille at the moment, though Sazh is a close second--how could you *not* love the dude with a baby chocobo in his fro?

I have the urge to rent a few other games for the PS3, but Steve lost his Blockbuster card and he has to be the one to go in and get a replacement. I'd like to try something like Resident Evil 5, or Grand Theft Auto 4, or Silent Hill--or anything awesome, and scary, and adult. I'd also like to see what other RPG options there are as well, but all that will have to wait until after April. I'm going to be bringing my PS2 and Wii back here with me since Steve says he can set them up easily enough (his exact quote was 'it'll be a piece of piss'), and I'll have more than enough US games to play on them. It'll be a lot easier to bring them back here than I thought it would, since now I'm not taking my laptop, so I could even feasibly bring them over in my small suitcase that I used as my carry-on last time--hell if I'm leaving any of it to get lost/stolen.

Speaking of April, I'm starting the OMG FREAKOUT mode. Steve reminded me last night that it's about a month until we leave, and now I'm doing the flying freakout dance in my head. I know it'll be fine, and usually the day-of I'm okay, it's just the anticipatory anxiety that gets on my tits after a while. Steve says we need to make a list of things to do/buy before leaving, since I think he's trying to focus my mind a bit so it doesn't spend loads of time being anxious--that, and he said to keep thinking about tacos and burritos and I'll be fine.

I just think it's a piece of shit that we have to put the cat in a hotel when his mom has a perfectly good spare room that he could stay in. We'd pay her 20 quid or so with all his food and litter, but I guess it's too much for her to do--the same with getting a ride to the airport. We're getting that, but we have to sort ourselves out when we fly back in, so we'll be taking the train back from Birmingham into Northampton, where his mom will pick us up since his car will be at their house. Gee, thanks MIL. I can't wait to navigate a train system after 27 hours in transit just because getting up at 5am *two* days out of a year is such a hassle. Especially when they quite willingly jump over to his sister's new council house to tear everything apart and redecorate it for weeks on end pro bono. But heaven forbid we get two rides or have our cat stay at their place, since cats are *such* work, what with feeding them once a day and scooping out the box. His mother makes my head hurt lately :(

Now that the PMS-inspired rant is over, I'm going to finish sorting this machine out. Steve mentioned the laptop woes to the IT guy at work, and he said he thinks it's either a hard drive issue, or the cd rom drive that's dead and making the machine act up--so, Steve said he'll try to disable the drive this weekend and see if it behaves. So, there's still hope yet, but if not, I'll be on the PC for the forseeable future since they're much easier to upgrade anyway. But, now I get to sit in the corner, lame.

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