May. 24th, 2010

24.05.10

May. 24th, 2010 08:46 am
whitenoise: (mstk2)
So yeah, Sheffield's off, which pisses me off. Steve phoned Roger to get more details and I guess he got his new guide dog way early. As such, Roger has to stay home as much as possible for the next two weeks with the new dog so they can bond and shit, so we won't be able to go up like we had planned.

Steve decided we should all go to Yarmouth, which is nice and I'm looking forward to it, but yeah. 3-4 hours in the car with three kids is going to be killer, since Aidan can't sit still for five minutes and Ella gets car sick (but we'll be doping her up for this trip to see what happens). We'll have to leave Daventry by 5am at the latest since it's a 3-4 hour drive, plus bank holiday weekend (gogo caravans). Iain knows about it already, but he's keeping mum just in case something weird happens and we can't go so the other two don't get disappointed.

I think Steve's doing it since he feels guilty for working so much this month between his desk job and training, and he wants to make it up to the kids. And I realized I put way too much on my shoulders when they're here, trying to be the 'more popular' stepparent and all that bullshit instead of just being myself. But then again, I don't like myself very much, so maybe the fake thing is the lesser of two evils, but it stresses me out loads :( And there's always going to be a divide between me and the kids, one that Steve or Linzi will never truly understand (but that Steve's aware of). They're not my children, I didn't raise them, so I feel like I need to hold myself back to avoid stepping on toes--I don't trust my instincts enough and am always deferring back to Steve for things since it's not really my place to be a Hugo Chavez.

But, they're also awesome kids once you pull away all the puberty and hormones and Aidan's issues--he's the sweetest kid you could find when he's not having his problems. And Ella always gives me a big hug when she sees me, and I think she likes having another girl in her dad's house to even things out a bit. Iain is Iain--at 14, he's a typical teenager that has his own obsessions and to hell with everything else, but he's going through an extremely awkward phase and I can completely sympathize with him.

I still want my own baby though, and Steve kinda talks about it now as if it's not a case of 'if', but when. When we were at Wicksteed this weekend I was kinda sad since I saw all these parents with their babies and stuff and urgh. It just made me feel really alone at times since Steve and Iain were going about like normal--it doesn't help that I'm not really the amusement park type to begin with. But yeah, emoemoemo.

This heat can go away as well--I can do dry Oregon heat, but not muggy UK heat, especially when the sun is a bastard and inflicts fire damage on me. First sunburn evar, too. In 24 years I had never once gotten a sunburn thanks to lovely Portugese genes, but the day I turn 25 it hits me like a bastard on part of my arm and neck. Funny enough, Steve didn't put any on and he's fine, it was just me this time around.

Buuuut, there's 3 cans of cider and 3 cans of Guinness in the fridge. It's a shame that drinking before noon isn't kosher--Steve taught me an awesome drink, half Guinness and half cider. It cuts the Guinness a bit, but I can handle it straight as well. Maybe tonight when he gets off of work then, since I was good and only had 2 pints on Saturday.

~Tams

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